This Troubled Road is My Own
Recently, I have not made any new posts or finished the ones that I have been working on and I wish that I could just pick up where I left off but things have been hard. They have been hard and stressful for quite some time and I don’t know when they will simmer down or at least not drive me completely mad. It is something that I debated even writing about for privacy sake. Privacy for me but also (and most importantly) the other person involved…..or even persons. I don’t mind telling my stories but I should think that is because I chose to do so at the time that I select to do so. So when another person is involved in my stories then I must respect them. So I will say enough to release the pressure and certain feelings that being bottled up, inadvertently, but not enough to cause damage or be disrespectful in any way to those involved.
A Broken Union
I have been married since 2016 and while there have been moments that I love and cherish, there has been a lot of turmoil and stressful disconcerting predicaments that have welcomed themselves into our union. At first I was very hopeful to be able to navigate the choppy waters because I had the proper tools at my disposal, or so I thought. I talked and communicated as best as I could. I gave space when it was needed. I read the bible and I tried to figure out what to do next. I came up with different ideas and communicated more. Kid just became more and more distant and closed off. He didn’t want to admit to himself that their were problems that he would have to work on. After writing a “novel” for him to let him know what was going on with me because he would ignore me for hours and hours at a time, I saw that Kid didn’t even try to see what was wrong. I didn’t speak to test if he would care and he didn’t even notice because he didn’t even attempt to speak with me at all. He was enthralled in his world of gaming, his electronic addiction that he fails to want to see. He didn’t read what I wrote for weeks…months. Everyday turned into sour milk for me. We all know how disgusting sour milk is. That is how I felt. I went through different kinds of depression. I would find it difficult to get out of bed. I was going (still am) some pain that I was trying to figure out the origin and with that, it became difficult to brave anymore situations.
Troubled Road
I am generally a happy person. I love to laugh and to make people laugh. I see someone have a tough time and I really try to get them out of it. So this was making it difficult to do with Kid and myself. That troubled me. I lost whom I was completely. The only reason I kept going was God. He kept me going. He told me that after all of that, I should give Kid and our marriage a breather so I went to Texas, which didn’t seem to faze Kid in the slightest. I told him that we needed to work on things because it wasn’t healthy. Kid didn’t want to work on things while I was away. I tried to hard to be more understanding but I felt like he was losing his hold on us. I relented and waited to work on “us” when I got back to NYC which was maybe two months later. I didn’t, however, stop fighting for us. I went to Texas to get us stronger. Every move I made, some not supported by family or “friends”, was for our relationship because I loved Kid…love Kid, to this day.
Help Is Big In Texas
I went to a church in Texas. It was a blessing because it was a literal two minute drive from where I was staying. The people there took me in and I had people look at me tell me they felt I needed prayer. I was getting advice from a lady that had taken me in. She was listening to me and taking to and from church. She gave me a marriage book and told me which other to purchase, which I did. I needed that kind of church in my life at that time. Would be great if I could just transport it here. I felt ready to take on our relationship with a renewed hope. So I went “home”.
Kid did communicate his not understanding why I thought leaving was the only option to which I said that he had left me no other choice considering all that transpired prior to leaving. I felt terrible for causing discomfort but knew it was necessary for us to heal.
Counseling is a Good Start
We talked to a pastor at the church we attended and set up couples counseling which seemed to be working. I felt I could breathe again. I read the books and I felt better in some of the decisions I made trying to work through our marriage. I was on the right track according to the books. Yet, after many sessions we realized it doesn’t matter all I was doing because Kid was not pulling his weight and I could not do it for him either. We watched Your Move with Andy Stanley (still do because he is awesome) for added help. Kid needed to (still does) work on himself first, which I knew needed to happen first before we could be a healthy “us” again. He had underlying that prevented him from being the person he wanted to be. I knew that I could not force him to do it and still can not. That was what drove me even crazier, the lack of control I had over anything even with my good intentions. I had hope because Kid recognized it. He recognized that to be the best partner, lover, husband, friend and person who could be, he had to look inward and fix all the things he was avoiding (none of which I will mention) to evaluate.
I was hurting for me, yes, but more importantly for him. I couldn’t lift the hurt in his heart from past pains and traumas. I wanted to reach out and take it all away. He has it all in without any sort of instruction manual to help him figure it out. Even if he had one, would he even want to follow through? I saw that from the sessions that he was fighting it all. He was retreating even further down his rabbit hole. A place I was not allowed in and he was fine with it.
I prayed and prayed that God would once again shine a joyful light on our relationship but the more I tried get our relationship back on track, the more deteriorated it became. It was like a tumor that was growing faster than I could break it down. I was at last, spent. I started to have thoughts that were not healthy and fell into deeper depression ( I was fighting to not fall deeper in) couldn’t bring myself to work out like I had been. I was eating more and doing less. I could barely write which already was a struggle that prompted me to write a blog post about. I was having panic/anxiety attacks more frequently. I never let the fight die but the pain was growing and I was afraid I would become bitter toward Kid.
BOOM
Then something happened in his parents’ place (where we were residing) and he told me he was looking for jobs in Chicago. He never once mentioned that I would be going with him or asked me if I wanted him to go. I asked him about that and said that we would be separated like the original plan when we were counseling. Back then though, it didn’t seem permanent like this, there was hope because it was a healing separation. There were guidelines to follow. When I went to Texas he didn’t want to work on us over the phone or via text. I thought, this can not be real. I was crushed and thought how many more blows to my heart could I take without permanently shattering into oblivion. I prayed more and more but then I told him that this was temporary, divorce was not part of the plan and we had to try everything before that was even a consideration. That I would give him time to look for a church, a therapist and a place to live. That i would visit once and see how things go. Then about in a certain amount of time, that we would see how everything was and move forward together. He at first didn’t like the idea because I made decision by myself. I told him that he had been making decisions for himself and not us for a long time and that we are married. Marriage is a commitment that requires work from both parties involved, 100% from each. I told him I loved him and I was not done fighting.
He was to leave for a job he got in Chicago and I wanted to spend time with him before he left, even if it was a painful situation. I wanted to make sure he had a great time before he would leave. I planned a going away dinner for him and other outings. We watching a few more movies from our “Must Watch” movie list. The time was flying by quickly he seemed so happy that he was leaving while I dreaded the day that he would leave me. I even took him to the train station and helped with his bags, which felt more like hundred pound weights in each hand. I waited with him after I got him snacks and water. At some point I could not even speak all the words I wanted to tell him so I texted them to him. I told him I love him always. Then he left….and I was left behind in what felt like my own personal rapture.
Regrets…Harsh Feelings…Desperation
I look back at a time about a year and a half ago when I said that I would not move with him if he left because of what we were going through. It was true, that is how I felt but it was a horrible thing to feel and say to him even with how things were going. I wish I was better at being his wife. It keeps me up at night, that I am alone without him. Then I think when I was with him, how alone I felt then. How diminished and unappreciated I felt. Nothing worked but I still have hope even through all my inner agony. If I didn’t have God, I don’t know how much I could take.
There are days….parts of the day where I wish I could just find someone that would ravish me, desire me….take me and hold me the way I need but I only want that from my husband, Kid. Then I remember the rejection and feel worse. It feels like I can’t turn anywhere because everything looks like scary movie that won’t go away. What happened to the feel good movies? Everything is all of sudden about romance: on television and every song, it is all torture to my heart. all made worse because I had to move almost everything back to my parents place, myself. I had to fit a marriage worth of stuff in a room. Then there was too much stuff spilled into the living room, Now I was not only left, alone, moving back home, no job in sight but I was also putting my parents out. Yes, I had a room there but everything feels cramped and uncomfortable. Issues piling up and with no end in sight: I had to keep going but not in the best. It was like when I sprained my ankle and I couldn’t go to the doctor and I had to keep going to work so that meant walking on my sprained ankle without letting it heal. Now I have an ankle that that gives out over anything and gets swollen. FUN and that is how it is now. My heart is my sprained ankle on the verge of breaking, with no rest in sight.
That is life, I know but life sucks at this moment and I am allowed to say it. Scream it, even. AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Atlantic City Again!!
I even went to Atlantic City after Kid told me to go on a trip. I love that he is trying to make our separation as smooth as possible even though I just want him. Beggars can’t be choosers so I went to AC with my mom and stayed in the same hotel we had gone each time we went to AC, The Showboat. The trip was not exactly stress-free as I would have liked. We did get to go to the beach
and enjoy ourselves but our room smelled like cigarettes (it is a smoke-free hotel) and then were moved to a smaller room. They were supposed to have someone come up and help us move but that never happened. Then the trip back was a disaster all because Greyhound didn’t think it was necessary for us have our chosen bus times met. We waited in the rain (because we would loose our spots in line, though we paid for our seats) and smoke even though there are signs all over the area saying “NO SMOKING” but of course people had to be jerks and made the rest of us suffer. However, I did enjoy the rest of the trip. I paid for an all-day pass at the hotel’s arcade which was cool because it was raining that day and I was having a good time. I realized that I needed more moments away from the clutter in my life. People need breaks from their troubles or monotony or you can breakdown.
My Buddy….
I have to say that it has been hard to even express myself about what is happening because I don’t like it but also because it won’t come out. I have barely been able to cry about it since Kid left. One thing that made me cry hardcore was thinking about my buddy, Mandi. I miss that booger so much. I wonder how she is without us there. If she is lonely or sad. I hope not. I wish to see her. Hopefully I can, soon. Kid told me just before he left, to get myself a puppy and I have been looking. I can’t wait for a dog all my own. I can’t wait for Mandi to see my new pup. I can’t wait for them to play with each other and me. So much fun to be had with doggies. I can’t wait. It was be helpful for both the new pup and myself. Even my mom is excited.
Well I have been here for long enough. No more mush or gush. It is getting dark and Paris Baguette may have comfy chairs but I want to be on my couch. Plus I have work to do at home. This was draining. I am hungry and I need to use the bathroom. If this was a bad read or too poorly written, I apologize but this is how it all came out. I will write about this further in another post when I can collect my thoughts better. Thanks for reading for those that read this. Have a great rest of the week.
SIKE
……the wifi that I used had other plans and I finishing up this post in my new room at my parents’ place. If you ever need to talk just leave your story in the comments and I would gladly “listen” to you. Talking or even just writing out your problems is a great release sometimes. Hope this is helpful to someone or at least entertaining enough. Have a good night.
